


Her Letters

by sebsatan



Category: my hero acade - Fandom, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Character Death, Characters Are Pro Heroes (My Hero Academia), F/M, Fluff and Angst, Letters, Love Letters, Memories, i broke my own heart writing this, this is really sad sorry :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27395380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebsatan/pseuds/sebsatan
Summary: Where Shinsō finds a box with four letters, but he wishes he never did it.
Relationships: Shinsou Hitoshi/Reader, fem reader - Relationship
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	1. The First One

How long had he been standing there? 5 minutes? 5 hours? He didn’t have any idea. Hitoshi Sinshou was standing in front of your apartment door without knowing what to do next, the key in his hand was heavy, and the cold of the metal seemed to burn his skin. The last time he was there was with you by his side, and it had been two months since that day.

Taking a deep breath, he decided that the best thing to do was ending it all as quickly as possible, the only thing he had to do was take all his stuff, leave the place, and not look back. The pain in his chest increased when he stepped through the door and found a dark room and dusty furniture, a clear reminder of your absence in the place; although he still could feel your presence, he knew very well that it was his mind playing tricks again. It had been exactly one month since the Hero Public Safety Commission confirmed your death, one month since the country mourned one of the top 10 heroes, one month since Shinsou felt how the world crushed him and taken the air from his lungs, one month since Hawks came home without you.

Trying to put the bitterness aside, he walked through the place towards the master bedroom. He could feel the storm of memories making their way through his head and the tears filling his eyes as he thought of all the memories that were hidden within those four walls, from the first nights that both of you spent together, to the last day he had you wrapped between his arms. The place was the same as the last time he was there, the half-made bed, pillows on the floor, and a pile of clothes thrown in the corner, it was almost impossible to ignore that cleaning was never your strong point. He walked to the window to open the curtains and allow the light to illuminate the room, it wasn’t very late, but the daylight was disappearing and the orange tones of the sky contrasted perfectly with the dark blue that surrounded him.

A heavy sigh was the only audible sound when he decided to put his mind to work on his main task, collect his things. He decided to start emptying one of the nightstands, but before he could even open the drawer he noticed a golden box with his name written on the lid. They say that curiosity killed the cat, but in this case, curiosity broke his heart, even more so, when he found four letters addressed to him written in your unmistakable handwriting.

_When did you write these? Did you know you were gonna die? Were you even dead? What kind of psycho joke was this? _  
Those and more questions filled his mind and the tears he had held back finally rolled down his cheeks whilst he took the little note on top of the letters.__

**“I will always love you.”**

He sat at the bed edge while the crying content for weeks bubbled in his chest ready to explode, with trembling hands he took the first letter. He held it in his hands, staring at it as it was a mere illusion, waiting hopefully to hear the front door open one more time, your footsteps stepping up to him, and the sound of your voice calling his name. But of course, this wasn't one of those romantic movies that both of you used to watch on Saturday nights while eating popcorn and laughing at the protagonists, this was real life, and in real life, miracles don't exist. Taking a deep breath, he finally decided to read for the last time all the things you had to say.

> “Blue is all my eyes can focus on, blue in the sky and blue in the sea. But amongst so much blue, the only color I’m interested in isn’t here, I can close my eyes and pretend that you’re here, that the purple of your irises isn’t miles away from me.
> 
> Isn’t it weird to think that a few weeks ago everything was different? I’m so sorry for didn’t say goodbye in a better way, I’m so sorry for didn’t hug you tighter, for didn’t give you more kisses, and for didn’t say how much I love you more times. But the only thing I don’t regret was meeting you, how could I? You will always be the best thing that ever happened to me.
> 
> I’m not writing this to make you feel bad, I don’t want you to read the things in the box if you don’t feel that you can do it without falling apart, and I’m not going to blame you if you decide to burn them, but please, don’t feel forced to read everything. You know very well that I can wait. I know that you’re blaming yourself right now, I know you so well that from here I can hear your thoughts, this wasn’t your fault, I decided to take this job believing that I was strong enough to win, I’m the only one to blame. Love, please, don’t load with the pressure of something out of your control, don’t let the pain blind you from the truth. And don’t close yourself from your friends, don’t let yourself fall into the unknown, I know you can move on from this because you’re not alone and you never will.  
> Maybe this isn’t the best way to say it, but please, don’t hold to the memories, I’m not asking you to forget, just let them go. Sadly, life isn’t a Nicholas Sparks novel, and if you’re reading this is because our story has come to an end."

His hands clenched the paper so tightly that it was impossible not to crumple it, tears fell freely down his cheeks and sobs filled the silence that previously flooded the room. If before he believed that his heart was broken, at that moment he could feel the true pain.


	2. The Second One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Shinsō finds a box with four letters, but he wishes he never did it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bold paragraphs are thowbacks!

It had been almost a week since he found the box with the four letters in your apartment and the void in his heart became deeper while he repeated every word in his head. How was it possible for you to have everything ready in case of possible death? Or it was a suicide mission and you knew it was impossible to come back with life? There were a million questions that his head couldn't answer.

The idea of looking for answers with Hawks crossed his mind a few times, but the only idea of listening to the details of your death was something he couldn't stand.

He stared at the box in the middle of his kitchen counter, seriously thinking if the next letter was worth reading. Uraraka said he wasn't going to lose anything at doing it, and Midoriya supported the idea telling him it could be used as a closure, after all, he couldn’t be crying to a ghost for the rest of his life.

He swallowed the tears that threatened to leave his eyes and taking a deep breath, he brought his sweaty hands to the cardboard that hid the last pages that were witness to your thoughts. He looked carefully at the paper, noticing the ink running in some words and wondering if were your tears, the ones that soaked your own words.

> _“There are so many things I want to write and so little space to do it, do you remember our first date? God, I was so nervous, and I still can remember the sound of your laugh and the words you said to me when I told you about it, “Why are you nervous? We've known each other for years now, we've been friends for so long it's hard to think of a life without you, there’s no reason to be nervous now”. I think you never understood how much I liked you, how much I loved you, and all the emotions you made me feel with just one look. What kind of spell did you use on me?”_

**The smile on Shinsou’s face appeared without him realizing, at the moment his eyes found you in the mass of people that walked around the city he knew everything was lost for him, no, he actually knew it years ago. It hadn't been more than five hours since the last time he saw you but from him, it was like an eternity, could it be the same for you? He hoped the answer to that question was yes. His heart increased its rate as your body approached the place where he was standing, why couldn't he move? It was embarrassing enough to feel the sweat on his hands at the mere thought of seeing you, but having his legs not responding to his brain's commands was a whole new level, there wasn’t an actual reason to be nervous about, and he knew it very well, but apparently, his mind thought the opposite.**

**Honestly, he lost count of all the times he dreamed about that moment, the only thing he wanted was to hold your hand and walk by your side for the streets of the city.**

**He didn’t have time to react when he felt your arms around his body, the movement made him stagger and, to avoid the pain of falling to the ground, he let his arms around your figure in an awkward hug. A few seconds passed before he regained his stability, and the feeling of his cheeks heat up hit him when he noticed that they were still hugging in the middle of the street.**

**“Hey,” he murmured, staring at your face.**

**“Sorry, I’m really nervous.” The sound of your voice was muffled when you pressed your face against his chest and the feeling of your arms hugging his torso harder than before almost made him melt.**

**“Why are you nervous? We've known each other for years now, we've been friends for so long it's hard to think of a life without you, there’s no reason to be nervous now.”**

**“Yeah, you’re right.” That was your only answer before letting go of his body. He wanted to protest at the feeling of abandonment that flooded him the moment you let go of his body, but when you entwined your hand with his and pulled him to walk fast, the feeling of being at home hit him like a meteorite, is that how love felt?**

> _“I remember that day so vividly, who would think that we were going to end up together someday? Clearly not me, but apparently the rest of class 1-A did, I also think Aizawa said it one time. Shinsou, I’m not scared of saying that you were the love of my life because I knew it when my heart didn’t stop the fast beating. For a moment I thought you were going to hear it, pathetic, I know._
> 
> _You looked so beautiful under the sunset lights, it’s a picture I’m not letting go of so easily, I don’t care how much it hurts, I don’t care how much it burns, I know you will join me in my next life, after all, we did make a promise on our first date.”_

**“HEY! That’s not fair.”**

**“That’s how rules were made!”**

**“You are making up that, that’s not how you're supposed to play it.” You crossed your arms upon your chest while the 16 UNO cards remained in front of your legs.**

**The purple-haired boy didn’t have the chance to speak in his defense when the sudden movement of your body puzzled him; you moved your body towards him, letting your legs around his hips and your hands fell softly on his shoulders as you stared at him under the sunset rays that hit the balcony of your apartment. “Let’s make a promise.”**

**“About what?” he asked, the obvious confusion in his eyes slightly covered the nervousness caused by the closeness of your body, fortunately, the blush didn’t reach his cheeks yet.**

**“No matter what happens, no matter what they say or what we do, we are not going to forget us, okay? It doesn't matter if we don't speak again in a few years, it doesn't matter if at the end of the year you end up hating me, promise me that you won't forget me."**

**“I promise.”**

> _“We made a selfish promise without knowing that one day we would have to remember it, without taking into account how painful it would be to ask ourselves to remember us to the end. I'm not asking you to forget me, of course not, but I repeat what I said before, don’t attach yourself to a ghost. I know very well that we will meet again, after all, the gods aren’t so cruel as to break us apart forever.”_

A sad smile blossomed on his lips as memories of that day flooded his mind, tears soaked his cheeks like a waterfall and it wasn't long before his body was shaken by sobs. Why you? Was it cruel of him to ask for Hawks' death instead of yours?

He let the letter reach the floor and almost run towards his bedroom, reaching through his clothes he found a cardigan that you left one of the many nights you spent with him, Shinsou hugged the garment as if his life depended on it and let his tears soak through the fabric as he wandered over and over again why you agreed to go on that mission.


	3. The Third One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Shinsō finds a box with four letters, but he wishes he never did it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bold paragraphs are throwbacks!

The first thing he noticed when he took the envelope was the blood on the corners, the two firsts one didn’t have anything more than wrinkles and ink stains, so assuming they were written before you leave the city was easy. But this? This was completely different from the previous times, and his brain didn’t miss the chance to play games with him, the thoughts of you finding a way to send the letters to him, but without you making it back home, was something that hurt. 

The paper burned in his hand as he stared at the words in front of him, unlike the previous ones, this time your handwriting looked messy, almost as if you were writing in a rush. And the first sentence was enough to take away the air in his lungs, he felt his heart break again for what seemed like the tenth time in that month. Was he really capable to go through the torture of reading your last words?

> " _Shinsou_ , _Shinsou. I love you, you know? I don't know where I am, I don’t know where Hawks is and I don’t even know if I’m going back. There’s a lot of things that I don’t know right now, but, the only thing I know for sure is that **I love you** . My heart burns at the thought of never seeing you again, the only thing I have right now are the memories, but I’m not sure of **how safe** it is to have them with me. _
> 
> _The first time we met._
> 
> _The first time we actually spoke._
> 
> _The first date._
> 
> _The first kiss._
> 
> **_The first I love you._ **
> 
> _I will never be able to forget my first love._
> 
> _I think our memories together are the ones keeping me sane and conscious, trying to recreate every moment with you in my mind is what keeps me on my feet. Thinking about a possible future gives me hope. But, at the same time, I know it is foolish to hold on with teeth and claws to that dream._
> 
> _Do you miss me? Bah. What a stupid question, isn’t it? I know you miss me, maybe more than how much I miss you. Do you still remember the first time you said you loved me? I will never forget that moment, after all, not every day your usually calm and collected boyfriend yells how much he loves you in the middle of an amusement park._ ”

**The sun was slowly disappearing behind the city buildings and the soft colors of the sunset contrasted perfectly with the lights and laughter that filled the stands at the amusement park. But besides the distractions that surrounded him, Shinsou only had eyes for you, seeing how beautiful you looked with a bright smile adorning your face whilst guiding him through the mass of people. With your fingers interlaced with his, and his heart overflowing with joy, his mind screamed at him what he had known for a long time.**

✧:･ﾟ ◜❀◞ ･ﾟ:✧

**The sun had been hidden for a couple of hours when they both decided to take a break, they had toured most of the attractions and won several plush animals for each. He wasn’t going to admit it out loud but, Shinsou really was loving the little pig that you won for him.**

**“Are you tired?” Your voice brought him out of the trance he had fallen into and just shook his head at your question, a small smile forming on his face as he saw your eyes light up with excitement again. “Thanks for bringing me here today.”**

**“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t bring you here at least one time?” Your laughter echoed in his ears and the purple-haired boy felt his heart explode with love when your chin fell on his shoulder.**

**“I love you.”**

**There wasn’t doubt, you didn’t stutter and never tear your eyes apart from his. You** _loved_ **him. You** _said it_ **loud and clear. And it hit him again, he loved you too.**

**A loud sigh left his lips as he pushed your head off of his shoulder, the plushies fell to the bench when he stood up, a confused and almost hurt look was plastered on your face while watching him walking away from you.**

**Shinsou cleared his throat and clapped his hands a few times, drawing attention from a few couples, before opening his arms and looking at you with a smile. “L/N F/N, I love you with all my heart!” He screamed to the moon, his voice resonated in the air, and the smile on your face was even more huge than his. You left the plushies on the bench without caring about them being stolen and ran towards his open arms, his hands found their way to your face whilst murmuring the same words over and over again before crashing his lips with yours.**

> “ _I still love you as much as before, don’t forget that._ ”

A broken laugh crept to his throat at the memory, his eyes were filled with tears, with a piece of paper stained with blood in one hand and his broken heart that was still in your power, he wasn’t able to read the rest of the letter, at least not at that moment.


	4. The Fourth One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Shinsō finds a box with four letters, but he wishes he never did it.

> _ “There are a lot of things left to say but, the first thing I want to do is clarify the doubts in your head. First thing first, nothing of this is Hawks’ fault, maybe it’s the commission’s fault but that’s another story, I knew very well the reasons behind this mission before I was even officially called to go with him. We were doing research a long time ago, and we always knew the result wasn’t going to be good, for a moment we thought we were going to die together but, if you’re reading this it means that I died alone.  _
> 
> _ Before I left home, I left the first two letters because I hoped to get back to you, and then I would get rid of them, but I was wrong. I asked Hawks to leave these last two in the box, if you asked yourself in a moment how I managed to leave them there, I didn’t do it alone.  _
> 
> _ Shinsou, I’m so sorry for not telling you all of this before, I already said that it is selfish of me to “say goodbye” through letters, but I feel it could be worse to let you without something to say goodbye to. Please, don’t hate me after this. I know it could seem useless to say it but every time you need it, look at the moon the same way we used to do together after a long day and I will be there, ready to listen to you talk, ready to hug you, and ready to keep loving you, you will be my person forever and ever. Even after death, even after losing each other in this timeline, we will find our way in the future, and we could be happy again. _
> 
> _ I know our plans have stopped now but do not let this be an impediment for you to accomplish everything you said to me, you have a big future ahead of you, and my broken wings are not enough reason for you to stop flying.” _

He stared at the blood-stained paper in his hands for a long time,  **_you always knew_ ** , you had it very clear and even knowing that you decided to go and sacrifice yourself for something bigger than you, although, he shouldn't be surprised after all that’s what heroes do. People who grow up dreaming of saving those they love even if that means dying in the process, and he had it very clear, but it was his own selfishness whispering in his ear that nothing is worth enough to die for. 

A defeated sigh left his lips while watching around the room with tiredness running through his body, there weren't tears left to cry although his chest was heavy with pain in the same way it did when he first heard the news on the TV. The Commission didn’t tell him what happened even knowing the relationship that both had. Some many questions without answers filled the purple-haired boy’s mind, his eyes were now fixated on the photos on the wall in front of him. Despite having been together for a long time, the moving in together plans were just beginning to come out in their conversations, it was something so wanted for both of them that the idea of not being able to fulfill their wish was heartbreaking on a new level. 

He left the letter aside and walked with slow steps to the wall decorated with your smile, he was able to feel the happiness that your body radiated even through the impression that stared back at him. He took a couple of framed pictures and went back to his spot on the bed, sitting with his leg crossed, he absorbed every facial expression of yours. From your hair to your chin, going through those eyes that caught his attention the first time he saw them, to those lips he would never touch again. A bitter smile formed on his face, and he let his fingertips outline your image one more time.

The picture in his hands was one of his favorites, there were both of you dressed in the UA uniform and sitting in the common room of the dorms building, you were laughing with your head on his shoulder, your eyes almost closed and a big smile painted on your face, looking more alluring than ever whilst he only looked at you as nothing else existed in the world. 

He wasn’t mad at you, he couldn’t be, not knowing that even if you had told him about the risks of the mission you would have gone either way because that’s how you were, the most stubborn person, with an incredible desire to save the world, that he could have known. He took one of the photos again and this time the tears rolled into the picture, his heart was beating so fast that he feared he would be having a panic attack, his body trembled as he sobbed and soon the only thing audible in the silence of the night was the heartbreaking cry of a broken man.

Maybe destiny wasn’t on their side, probably they were going to find each other in the future, in another life, in other bodies, because in the end, it isn’t easy to break apart two souls that love each other as much as they did. 


	5. The One He Wrote

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Shinsō finds a box with four letters, but he wishes he never did it.

> “I don't know what to write, obviously, you are not going to read this, so I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter, but I don’t want it to be a bunch of empty sentences. I think this is more for me than for you, closure is necessary after all, and considering your farewell, sending you a part of me in the same way that you did, seems to be the right thing to do.
> 
> How to start? I think the first thing I have to say is that I forgive you, even if you didn't ask for it, I'm sure you were filled with guilt in your last minutes but I can assure you that none of this was your fault. It breaks my heart to think of you releasing your last breath alone in the middle of the sea but I understand you, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you the truth either.
> 
> We were left with a lot of unfinished things, right? I don't think I'll be able to accomplish half of the things on our list without you but I also know that I can't stay living in a memory, I know that I have to move forward so, if you're seeing me please don't get mad at how slow I'm going, changes are not my strong suit. Speaking of changes, I went to your apartment to get my things and some of my favorites memories about you and let Uraraka decide on the rest, it was a difficult task but not impossible. I've also stopped crying every time I see our photos, does it count as progress? Midoriya says it doesn’t but I think it does because your memory continues to hurt and although I know I will never be able to forget you, I’m sure that at some point I will be able to find peace and not pain. You are not easy to forget.
> 
> I don’t know who am I trying to fool with this, how can I say goodbye to you when the only thing I want to do is to hold your hand again? Forget everything I said before, I can’t forgive you, how could you leave me like this? Why? Why did you leave me alone here? I don’t know how you expect me to keep walking by myself. But it’s amazing how after all this I can’t hate you either.  _ I loved you, I love you and will always love you, in this life and the next one.”  _

Shinsou closed his eyes in frustration, he could feel tears forming under his lids and sighed once more, he couldn't tell you that he forgave you and then back off like a coward, it was a stupid move even for him. He looked at the paper in his hands with a frown, tears soon rolling down his eyelids as he felt his chest contract in pain once more.

Without finishing writing, he folded the letter in half and let his gaze fall on the inscription in front, your name was accompanied by two small vases with your favorite flowers and incense that reminded him of you. This was perhaps the third time he had been to your grave, and it was the most painful visit of them all.

The tiredness was visible on his face, those eyes that you once loved revealed the broken soul of a young man in love.

"I'm an idiot, of course, I forgive you. I love you so much, even when you’re not here anymore but if you are hearing me, don’t forget it, don’t forget me."

He took the pen and wrote three simple words on one side of the short letter  _ "I love you, goodbye" _ , tears damped the paper mercilessly, the pain in his chest seemed to grow after writing that final phrase but the weight on his shoulders lightened. A soft breeze accompanied by the orange sunset surrounded him, and he seemed to hear once again how your voice whispered in his ear a little  **_I love you_ ** .

He wiped his tears with one of his hands as he put the letter down next to the incense, the young hero ran his fingertips over your name inscribed in stone one last time and smiled bitterly before turning around and leaving the place.

**Author's Note:**

> I like to suffer so I decided to bring to life this idea that was living on my mind, I made it a multi-chapter one because go big or go home!! Also, this is my first time writing in english so I’m excited to know what you guys think about it.


End file.
